Showing posts with label offended. Show all posts
Showing posts with label offended. Show all posts

I'm no model and I'm okay with that because I really don't want to look like a Whippet or a Skank Ass Ho - 55

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How To Offend Just About Everyone!

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    Oh Yes, today someone WILL be offended!  Take THAT MONDAY!

    Subtle or What?
    • I'm living next door to a muslim couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils! 
    • Can you spare just R2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just R2.00, we will send you the video - its fucking hilarious. 
    • I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick." It's not yours is it? 
    • I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful. 
    • Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm fucking worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address? 
    • There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain. 
    • In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one damn point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
    • One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Nigerians and Zimbabweans is not the correct answer 
    • George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."
    • There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Durban but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.  
    • You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools!
    • A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair." 
    • A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
    Source URL: http://gerberadaisyduke.blogspot.com/search/label/offended
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Soccer World Cup Letter

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    Dear Husband/Partner/ Boyfriend/Significant Other …

    Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, a little birdie has told me that something is going on in the World of Soccer. Although I pride myself in trying to take an interest in the things that interest you,  it is becoming increasingly apparent that you seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that these dates entitle you to special manly treatment.

    It seems you are planning to …

    Claim sole ownership of our family TV, arranging braai's with your mates based on who is playing who and refusing to attend any family functions during this period, without a vuvuzela?

    Let me put you straight …

    I would like you to remember that when we got together, the rules were made clear.  I allow you to think you’re the boss in our house because it suits me, but the consequences of your behaviour during this period do need to be addressed.

    Some loving guidelines for World Cup month …

    Here are a few loving guidelines regarding World Cup Month which will ensure that our life, as we know it, continues in the blissfully harmonious manner, for which I have sulked, threatened, bargained and withheld sexual favours, of these past few years.

    1. The World Cup is for one month only

    One month, every four years, which could seriously affect the rest of your life. Any attempts to commandeer the remote control, paint the house green and yellow or get out of any Parent/Teacher meetings during this period using the words “but there is a game on” will be considered a serious breach of contract and will be handled accordingly. Penalty?  No blow jobs!

    2. You will, at all times, be considerate of the other members of the household

    Who have absolutely no idea who Christiano Ronaldo is (well I do - Soccer Hottie - what team does he play for again?) , by being happy to explain to them if they are at all interested, the offside rule, what a referee does and what a red card means. With patience. Any slight show of irritability during these times that may become apparent will be landed with a penalty!  No sex unless you look like Christiano Ronaldo!

    3. Of course we’re being considerate of your feelings …

    Please, if we see you are upset because your team is losing and we say “get over it, it’s only a game” or “they might win next time” that is because it IS only a game and can in no way be considered as important as going to see the new Sex in the City movie. Besides, at least we are showing interest. And consideration for your feelings.  At the first sign of a protruding bottom lip … the penalty will be … no blow jobs!

    4. Friends and the game on TV

    If your hooligan friends come over to watch a game because their own wives have put their foot down about watching at their house, expect us to walk around with long faces.  The fridge will not be stocked with beers and snacky nibbly bits unless provided by the beer fairy.  We do not entertain the louts during the rest of the year, why should this be any different. No sex at least until they all go home.

    5. World Cup action replays

    Do not get mad if you accidentally get distracted during an important goal by the baby falling on the floor or the house burning down.  These are important family matters and need to be addressed immediately.  Besides there are always replays. Apparently hundreds of them. You can watch them later. After we’ve had sex.

    6.  Neglect us - at your peril

    Pretending you are blind, deaf and mute during a game is not considered acceptable couple behaviour and will result in a stream of unrelated-to-soccer conversation that will require your due participation.  Show just the slightest inclination of not noticing we’ve had our hair done or that we’re standing in front of you totally naked will result in the penalty.  No sex (for you, anyway). 

    Viva Soccer World Cup!


    Source URL: http://gerberadaisyduke.blogspot.com/search/label/offended
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Eternal Offensive Questions

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    Can you cry under water?

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

    What disease did cured ham actually have?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?


    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


    Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
    They're going to see you naked anyway.


    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    Who's got the answers?
    Source URL: http://gerberadaisyduke.blogspot.com/search/label/offended
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